If you’ve never listened to Donald Rumsfeld talk, you’re really missing out. His unique brand of non-sensical rambling provides a nice contrast to the President’s mispronunciations and down-south, testosterone-heavy stupidity. Both are equally committed to killing people, whether via capital punishment or wars of aggression abroad, but their methods of talking about this death drive are radically different.

In a hilarious tongue-in-cheek expose available at MSN, Hart Seely collects several actual outtakes from Rumsfeld’s many press conferences and presents them in all their unedited glory. My favorite is one that Seely wittily labels “Clarity”:

I think what you’ll find,
I think what you’ll find is,
Whatever it is we do substantively,
There will be near-perfect clarity
As to what it is.

And it will be known,
And it will be known to the Congress,
And it will be known to you,
Probably before we decide it,
But it will be known.

—Feb. 28, 2003, Department of Defense briefing

The rest of the “poems” are equally mind-blowing. Perhaps the most ironic is entitled “Confession”:

Once in a while,
I?m standing here, doing something.
And I think,
“What in the world am I doing here?”
It’s a big surprise.

—May 16, 2001, interview with the New York Times

Yeah, you and me both.